Chris Perkins: The Unauthorised Autobiography

Full name : Christopher John Archibald Christor Sebastian Danger Susan Bouffant-Perkins III (Mrs)

Born at an early age, I have been getting older ever since. Becoming separated from my birth parents in a Quad-bike accident I was raised by bees. However on reaching puberty it became clear I was not like all the other bees and girls. It was with a heavy heart that I left the hive, heading off to join my own kind in the city.

Working briefly as a tramp I was able to raise enough money to afford a monkey that became my travelling companion (and emergency food supply*). Wandering the land, we solved many crimes and presented a top-rated cooking show on Estonia’s most popular cable network. Cancelled after (un-founded) rumours about the nature of the monkey’s relationship with David Attenborough, the monkey and I decided to go our separate ways. Last I heard of the monkey was his ill-fated attempt to launch a music career, although I hear he is big in Germany, where he recently recorded a duet with David Hasselhoff.

My various occupations have included poet, architect, bad-ass pimp, video shop clerk, doctor, lesbian and king of the world. I am currently working as the British Secret Services top undercover operative, foiling plots by crazed men with no hair on no less than seven occasions. Fortunately I have kept this top secret and not told anybody, as that would put me and my whole operation at risk….. oh bollocks!

* incredibly obscure reference