The Oscar nominations are out. I am disappointed to see, once again, I have not recieved a single nomination. Following similar snubs by the Golden Globe and, the Brits this year is something of a whitewash, despite my extensive campaigning.

Fascinating facts about Canada.

• Canada is a large nation found to the North of the United States of America.
  
• It’s total area is 9,984,670 km². This is considerably larger than a monkey.
  
• The head of state of Canada is Queen Elizabeth II.
  
• The province of Quebec is largely French Speaking. So are the people who live there.
  
• Canada smells of maple syrup. Monkeys hate maple syrup. This probably explains why there are so few monkeys in Canada. It’s full of Weasels.
  
• The United Nations imposed a trade embargo on Canada in 1997 when the government refused to destroy Celine Dion.
  
• In Canada, the sun sets backwards.
  
• Monkeys are better than Canada.
  
• To gain Canadian citizenship, you have to learn their national anthem and bum a Mountie.
  
• In Canada, it is illegal to have a face bigger than 8” across.
  
• In 2007, Britain’s lease will run out and Canada will revert to Chinese rule.
  
• Canada does not eat bananas. You are thinking of monkeys.
• Monkeys are awesome.

Sarcastic? Moi?

So the rightwing scare-mongers tell us, due to binge-drinking and video games, the streets are no longer safe to walk without getting stabbed, shot or bitten. Society is going to pot! Yet at the same time, we are told all the kids, especially the poor ones are now getting fatter than the man who ate Rik Waller.

Seeing as the Daily Mail brigade would never lie to us this leads me to one conclusion. Everything's gonna be alright. Eventually all the chavs will be too fat to leave the house, like that bloke off Jerry Springer they had to lift out the roof with a helicopter. Viola! It'll be just like the good old days, when nothing bad EVER happened.

When Reality TV attacks, gets knocked over or falls out of cupboards

It seems that TV companies are always on the look out for new reality TV concepts with catchy titles. I reckon I could do that, So I’ve come you with a few concepts of my own…

Celebrity Titanic. A bunch of z-list celebrities compete in this water bound Big-Brother-a-like. What they don’t know is that there’s an OICEBURG ROIGHT AHEAD!

When Animals Attack …Celebrities. The Savagery of nature, let loose on famous types. Vernon Kaye savaged by Ocelots, Anthea Turner versus wildebeest, Michael Winner against a Hippo, you get the idea.

Surprise! I’ve Got a Cock! Five celebrities compete to win a date with a beautiful woman… who is really a man! OK… same idea as Sky’s There’s something about Miriam but my title’s better.

Celebrity Fox Hunt. Don’t panic, the furry mammals will be safe, because in my televised version, he will be replaced by a celebrity who is named Fox. Geddit. In the first show they would use a pack of slavering hounds to track down ‘Dr.’ Neil Fox from Pop Idol, in the second show, former model/ pop star Sam Fox… and then I’ve run out but they could probably find more.

When Celebrities Attack animals. In the name of balance. This would actually be filmed before the above, so they would get their just desserts.

I’m a Celebrity Get me Cake- alternative title for celebrity Fit/Fat Club.

Fascinating facts about weasels.

• The weasel is a small furry mammal ( latin name mustela,) that is often confused with ferrets, or pine martins. They are rarely confused with monkeys.
• The weasel is native to Britain, Mainland Europe and North America. Interestingly these are areas where the monkey is not native.
• The weasel’s natural enemies include foxes, badgers and birds of prey. They consider them to be worthy foes, but then they have never met a monkey.
• Weasels are well known through the nursery rhyme ‘pop goes the weasel’. Of course anyone who has ever witnessed a weasel explode will testify that it in fact makes more of a squelching sound.
• Weasels do not live in trees. You are probably thinking of monkeys.
• All weasels are homosexuals. They mate with the opposite sex for the continuation of the species but they do not enjoy it.
• Monkeys are much better than weasels.
• Weasels are poisonous. If you are bitten by one then if you do not take the antidote within twenty four hours you will die. Coincidentally the antidote is secreted only by monkeys.
• Weasels can fly, they just choose not to. This is because they are lazy and shiftless and know that monkeys are naturally superior.
• The word weasel, when written backwards reads "KILL THEM ALL"
  
• I can’t think of anything else about weasels, but monkeys are great aren’t they?

Wecome to FTMM

Gaah. It seems like we've only just been rid of the d-list 'celebs' (eww feels dirty just writing that) from I'm A celebrity LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! or whatever the hell it was, and already one week into the new year It's celebrity Big Brother. Looks like Channel 4's a no-go (except for the Simpsons, natch) for the next few weeks at least. Don't watch it folks YOU'LL ONLY ENCOURAGE THEM.

A brief list of things I would rather do than watch ‘Celebrity Big Brother’

• Gouge out my own eyes with spoons.
• Gouge out somebody else’s’ eyes with spoons.
• Gouge out spoons with my eyes.
• Eat my own face.
• Watch ITV
• Jade Goody
  

Actually scratch that last one...