Your Horoscope for today

Aries: You will buy a hat that will not fit. You should have tried it on in the shop
so really it's your own fault. The shop will not give you a refund because you lost the receipt. It's a shame because it really goes with your eyes.

Taurus: You will have an interesting conversation with Ghandi on the evils of western imperialism. He will let you eat his sandwich. He’s nice like that.

Gemini: You will meet a dark stranger. He will attempt to steal your car.

Cancer: I wouldn't do that if I were you. It’ll make your ears fall off.

Leo: You will set up the video to record the Simpsons, but forget to press
The ‘timer record’ button, therefore rendering the whole exercise somewhat futile. This is
unfortunate because it’s a really good one, you know- the one where Homer is an Astronaut.

Virgo: You will go on a long journey, and get travel sick. You’ll get bored and end up playing I-spy with a semi-retarded child called Wayne. On the plus side you keep winning.

Libra: While trying to create a new cocktail, you will accidentally stumble across a cure for beards. This will win you the Nobel prize but will not endear you to the Taliban or Z Z Top.

Scorpio: You will be visited by advanced life forms from a distant galaxy. They will offer you the secret of world peace and eternal youth. You will tell them no thanks, because Watercolour Challenge is on.

Sagittarius; You will look upon your Horoscope with scorn. “Ha! That’s nothing like me!” You will say. You will have a point.

Capricorn. You will stand in a field eating grass. But then you are a goat.

Aquarius: I can’t go into too much detail, but lets just say, I wouldn’t make any
long term plans. If you’ve got anything important to do, it’s probably best you get them done by, say, lunchtime Thursday. Nice knowing you.

Pisces:* You will continue to be charming, attractive and a creative genius. You are the best of all star signs and everybody loves you (although you smell of fish).

* can you guess my starsign?